The Perfect Hot Dog

Ellie has been wowing the internet with her incredibly detailed and thoughtful posts on recipes for everything from chili (in all its variations) to fig tarts.

Me, I'm happy when things don't explode in the microwave.

But tonight, I simply have to share my recipe for The Perfect Hotdog, probably better known as The Hot Dog For Poor Austinites.

Ingredients:
One slice from a loaf of 99 cent HEB wheat bread (what are we, rich?)
One "Smart Dog" brand vegetarian hot dog made of seasoned tofu (what are we, omnivores?)
One slice of Kraft American Cheese, which tastes like plastic, and which we are guilty about buying (what are we, pro-big-corporations?)

Directions:
- Set oven to Broil. Move assorted plastic grocery bags off the range, where they have been dumped, so they don't melt into the top of the oven.
- Arrange the tofu dog diagonally on the slice of bread, then top with the slice of cheese.
- Wait a few minutes for the oven to heat up. Occupy this time with a glass of wine.
- Put the layered bread/hotdog/cheese concoction on the middle shelf of the oven.
- Go start another episode of 30 Rock on Netflix.
- Suddenly remember about the hot dog when you can smell it burning.
- Frantically look for oven mitt amongst the non-melting grocery bags. Turn off oven. Find oven mitt and pull the middle oven shelf out. Burn right forearm on the oven door.
- Look in fridge for ketchup. Curse self for not buying ketchup when at the grocery store yesterday.
- Consider what the essential element of ketchup is. Decide that essential element is salt. Notice a bottle of soy sauce.
- Splash soy sauce over the tofu-dog-on-cheap-bread-covered-in-cheap-cheese.
- Enjoy.

No, really, enjoy. It's actually pretty awesome. I might just make myself another.