Things I Said At Work Today

"No, we don't have any Stephanie Meyer."

"No, that's not a stupid question.  It's Stephanie Meyer, and we don't have any."

"If we had it, it would be in the young adult section, under M for Stephanie Meyer.  But we don't have any."

"The movie's about to come out, so we don't have any."

"It's the Twilight series, by Stephanie Meyer.  And no, we don't have any."

"No, that's not a dumb question.  It's by Stephanie Meyer, and we don't have any."

"WOULD YOU GODDAMN FREAKS SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID STEPHANIE MEYER AND HER STUPID TWILIGHT BOOKS!  THE MOVIE IS COMING OUT!  WHEN A MOVIE IS COMING OUT, THE USED BOOKSTORE WILL NOT HAVE THE BOOK!  IF YOU HAD THE BOOK, WOULD YOU SELL IT TO US?  NO?  THEN NO ONE ELSE WILL EITHER!  PLEASE WAIT SIX MONTHS, AT WHICH TIME NO ONE WILL CARE ANY MORE AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FIND THEM ON THE CLEARANCE RACK!  WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE THREE SHELVES OF LORD OF THE RINGS PAPERBACKS LANGUISHING OVER IN SCI-FI?  GET YOUR ASS TO A REAL BOOKSTORE, YOU TRENDY PIECE OF CRAP!  AND NO, I DO NOT HAVE AN OPINION ON THE EDWARD-OR-JACOB DEBATE AND I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT!  I WON'T GET TO READ THEM UNTIL SIX MONTHS AFTER THE MOVIE COMES OUT, ASSHOLE!"

Okay, that last one might have been just in my head.

And then, finally, with far too much enthusiasm:  "Yes!  It's by Orson Scott Card!  Right over here!  We have two copies!  Have you read it before?  Oh my god, you are so going to love it.  And then of course you have to read Ender's Shadow!  Well, it's sort of a sequel.  I don't really like the ones in the traditional Ender's Game line of sequels, but there's an alternate line of sequels starting with Ender's Shadow and they're wonderful.  Here you go!  Enjoy!  Come back and tell me what you thought!  And you'd probably really enjoy Starship Troopers!"