A Handy Checklist for Retail Shopping

As Ellie pointed out in the comments of the last post, I haven't updated my blog in almost a week. Egad! For a few days, I was spending my writing-time on other stuff, and then I spent the last two days up in Dallas with Lottie and her parents. Internet, I offer you my most profound apologies.

With that out of the way, allow me to share a list I've created since I started working at Fifty Percent Literature. This is the Retail Shopping Checklist, Suitable For Use When You Are Shopping At A Retail Store And There Is A Long Line Behind You.

CELL PHONES

- Don't be on your cell phone. PERIOD. If the call is important, step out of the line. If the call is not important, then when it is your turn to check out, simply say, "I have to check out now. I'll call you right back." This is not a difficult concept.

- Don't be on your cell phone. EVER. I mean it. It's degrading to feel like the person who's not even here is important, while I am not. Do not devalue your fellow human beings in this manner. I will retaliate in a passive-aggressive way by loudly saying things that you don't actually need me to say, like "Your total is four thirty-eight, sir!!!" and "Here's your receipt, sir!!!" and "Would you like a bag, sir!!!" and "Have a great day, sir!!!" except that I don't actually mean that last one.

- Seriously. Don't be on your cell phone. It is difficult for me to give you correct change while I am listening to your half of the conversation.

THE CONTENTS OF YOUR PURCHASE

- Decide what you're going to purchase before you get to the register. My goal is to get you out the door so I can take care of the ten people behind you. Do not dither over whether your child would prefer to read Holes or Hoot. If you really want to consult with a bookstore professional on this all-important question, ask another employee before getting in line. (For the record, go with Holes.) Above all, do not hold up the entire line because you are on the phone with your wife, asking whether she wants the South Beach Diet Cookbook or just the South Beach Diet, including telling her the prices and giving detailed descriptions of the conditions of both books. You know what your wife wants? A husband who's not an asshole.

OFFSPRING

- If you have children, then fucking be a parent.

- If you have children, then fucking be a parent. If your child wants to ask you a question, then either listen to the child and answer the question, or explain to the child that you are busy and you will answer their question in a few minutes. Do not allow your child to repeat to stand beside you repeating "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy." for ten minutes while you browse the romance novels and absentmindedly say "uh huh." Those of us within hearing distance are slowly going insane. Your child is a human being, not a dog. Respect him. Either answer the question or don't.

- Seriously, would you just fucking be a parent? Yes, I know that life is difficult when you have kids. I know it's a lot of work. I know that they're running around the store with obscene amounts of energy. I sympathise. But this doesn't have to be as hard as you're making it. Do not give your child a directive if you're not going to follow through. Do not pretend like you're listening when you're not.

- It can be done. At my register, I have checked out people who are actually being parents. You know what they do? They let their kids know that their attention is otherwise engaged. They say, "Mommy has to pay now, go look at your new book." Or they say, "Everyone who's paying for these books, up at the counter. Everyone who's not, back off" (I liked that one). Stop getting so aggravated with your child's behavior when you're the one who's not enforcing the rules.

METHODS OF PAYMENT

- If you are paying in cash, and you have some change to make the transaction simpler, then yes, that is appreciated. But please remember that my goal is to get you out the door so I can take care of the ten people behind you. Do not count the change out onto the counter so that I have to laboriously pick up each coin. Do not spend forty-five seconds rummaging in your cavernous, disorganized purse "to see if you have two pennies." Above all, when told that your total is 15.10, DO NOT HAND ME A TWENTY AND THEN GO OUT TO YOUR CAR TO GET TEN PENNIES. I still can't believe that actually happened. With people waiting in line behind him.

- If you are paying in cash, you ought to know that I have to organize the bills in my register so they are all facing the same way. It makes it easier for the managers to count the register drawer. So please, do not shove me a handful of nine crumpled dollar bills from the recesses of your pockets.

- If you are paying with a check, stop it. Just stop. Right now. We live in an exciting age where we can enjoy all of the benefits of the wheel, the penicillin, and the checkcard. Go watch this commercial. Sadly, I no longer find it funny.

- If you simply must pay with a check, get with the program. You already know that I'm going to need your address, phone number, and drivers license number on the check. Order your checks so that this is pre-printed on them. If that is too difficult for you, write the information on the blank check while you are standing in line. While you're at it, fill in the name of the store and your signature. And you know that I'm going to need to see your drivers license, so get it out. When you set down your books on my counter you should have nothing left to do but fill in the amount. Don't you dare spend all that time waiting in line, let me spend all this time ringing you up, and THEN start to fumble around for your checkbook, a pen, and your license. Dumbass. Remember, my goal is to get you out of the store so I can deal with the ten people behind you. Outwardly, I will smile at you and tell you to have a great day. Inside, I am imagining you being boiled in oil.

PRICING

- Do not try to talk me down on the price. I know it's a used bookstore. But I'm not even trained to buy books. I know nothing about pricing. I will tell you to go talk to the buy counter. I don't know why Book A is 4.98, while Book B, which appears to be another book in the same series from the same publisher, is 7.48. That's just the way it is. Like gravity.

- However, if you happen to have found a book without a price tag, then waiting until there is a long line can be a very smart move. Am I going to call a manager over for a price check? Hell no. Why? Because (all together now) MY GOAL IS TO GET YOU OUT OF THE STORE SO I CAN DEAL WITH THE TEN PEOPLE BEHIND YOU. I'll look at the book, look at what else you're buying, and say, "how does 2.98 sound?" I can do that. I have powers where I can do that.

DISCLAIMER

All of this is a great big long diatribe worthy of Waiter Rant (except he's all cool and famous now, and he has a new girlfriend, which is way not fair, but Lola's Daddy is awesome). But the truth is, 95% of the customers are sweet as pie, and no trouble at all. And I actually really enjoy my job. And hell, if there's no one behind you, you can take your sweet time. I'm not going anywhere.

Except for the part about not being on your cell phone. For goodness' sake, show some common courtesy.