I knew that my social life would be more restricted, since I'd have to come home at regular times for the dog. I knew that I'd have to keep all sorts of things off the floor and off-limits. I knew that I'd have to pay for regular grooming. And I hoped that the dog would give me doggie-lovings every time I came home, and would be my companion pretty much anywhere and everywhere possible. All of this has turned out to be pretty much accurate.
What I did not expect, however, was how much Lola's bowel movements would occupy my mind.
Obviously, doggie poo is important. For one thing, I want her on a regular schedule to help avoid accidents inside. For another, I want to watch out for poo problems to make sure she's not getting sick. Tomorrow marks the three-week anniversary of Lola And Me (clearly a Lifetime movie waiting to happen, that title). And yet the little bitch can't shit straight for more than two days together.
1) We've had two bouts of diarrhea. Squelchy, farty, slimy, liquid diarrhea. (Hi, mom! Aren't you glad you read my blog?)
2) She ate an entire skein of DMC embroidery floss -- apparently without the paper wrappers -- and I didn't know a thing about it until she pooped it out. I still don't know where she got it from. It was still in its basic shape, though, which I thought was kinda nifty.
3) While I was at work one day, she got a ziplock baggie containing two granola bars off a part of the desk that I didn't know she could reach. She chewed through the baggie and through the wrappers, and pooped peanuts and sunflower seeds all the next day. Also she still has bits of sticky granola all over her paws. Bath number two happens tomorrow.
4) Yesterday while I was at work, she got a box of tissues off the bookcase (oh, I am a fool indeed to have left such a thing in such a place!) and demolished the entire thing. That part of the room looked like there were happy little snowdrifts everywhere. I really should have taken a photo; I wish I had thought of it.
They were the expensive kind, too, with the lotion and all.
So of course all day today I have been waiting to see how much of the kleenex she actually ate. This morning, I got some poo and some tissue. Yay! At her post-dinner walk, nothing, even though I usually get a poo then. Boo! At one point, it momentarily looked like she was squatting for a poo, but then she walked off -- leaving me to imagine Massive Intestinal Blockage due to Tissue Consumption for the three hours I had to be at work afterwards.
The problem is compounded because it's hard to gauge Lola's readiness for a good (supposedly) solid dump. Sure, she twirls around right before going, just like all dogs do. The problem is, what with the whole one-eyed thing, she twirls in circles a lot anyway. Yeah, if we're going for a Walk, she'll follow behind me in a straight line. But if we're just meandering around on the grass, she's going to be vaguely counterclockwise the whole time. You know what fifteen minutes of "meandering" feels like when all the time, with all your might, you're willing your dog to shit, and secretly worried that there may be a trip to the emergency vet in your future?
To save you the suspense, I'll go ahead and say that she did actually shit this evening, on the late-night walk at 10:30 when I got home from work, and there was no Kleenex, so I think she only ate that little bit that came out this morning.
But from now on, I'm going to give her a treat after every poo, and maybe she'll start to poo with more alacrity when we go out. Because it's ridiculous for a grown human to be this anxious about the excrement of a thirteen-pound dog.
UPDATE: This post was written late last night. Sometime in the early hours of this morning, Lola created no less than five separate deposits of stinky, messy diarrhea. Also she must have walked in it, because it is encrusted all over her front paws and there are little doggie footprints of shit all over the floor. I am never having children.
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